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Court Transcript

KREW. Irregular constellations make for irregular men. For who are we to know the things which pertain to the heights? And all the juxtapositions between interiors and exteriors? Mind is manifest in many perverse ways, and the guided universe is beyond our comprehension.

LORD SCALES. Well, ’tis a pity that the imperfections of matter did not allow Mind to do any better with the malformed malefactor that now stands before us. But what really disturbs me, is why you keep bowing to the miscreant.

KREW. I bow because he is none other than what he claims – a diamon incarnate.

LORD SCALES. What? Jacques Vallin? A diamon? I don’t believe it!

KREW. But why not? Like us, he can raise the dead; like us, he can walk through walls; like us, he can bilocate; like us, he can foretell the future. And during his divine madness, both in the Old World and the New, he has been in contact with immense spiritual realities, by which he gained powers over base matter that go far beyond any mortal mind; indeed, he had a transfiguring influence on the lives of many, which only goes to prove his diamonic status. Needless to say, all these powers were granted by yours truly. I made him so.

LORD SCALES. You made him so? A diamon?

KREW. Would I tell a lie? I was with him in the womb, remember. The brightest diadems are born from darkest dross.

LORD SCALES. Yet this Jacques Vallin has all the weakness and semblance of a man.

KREW. And so did Christ crucified; yet He was God made man.

LORD SCALES. Poor Christ – Prometheus himself – a god like Zeus. But ’tis blasphemy to equate Jacques Vallin with mankind’s suffering champion!

KREW. For why? His suffering is creaturely. And like the Christ, he protests his divinity.

DOCTOR DERTH. Outrageous!

DOCTOR BUCKET. Preposterous!

KREW. Then let me convince you of his diamonic heritage.

DOCTOR BUCKET. Oh! here we go again. Did anyone bring any earplugs?

LORD SCALES. Wait. This is important to the case.

DOCTOR DERTH. The Cyclops is lying.

KREW. By Phoebus-Appollo, god of Light, I tell the truth.

DOCTOR DERTH. No man born of copulation can do the miracles of Christ. These are powers of Heaven, and Heaven alone. As if Jacques Vallin were born of the Blessed Virgin! As if he were a man become god!

KREW. I made him so, I tell you!

LORD SCALES. Then you must tell the court exactly what you did…

KREW. Exactly? But that would require lessons in the mysteries of flesh which I am forbidden to give. To explain the instability of the animal cell, with all its spacial segregations and specializations would be impossible in the allotted time…

DOCTOR BUCKET. ’Twould be foolish for the Cyclops to give us lessons in anything – especially the flesh. For like the accused, he is completely insane. The Cyclops should do us all a favour and shut his measly mouth. As if his muddled faith could escape the tangles of materialist fatalism!

KREW. I would not expect an atheist bucket to believe anything I say.

DOCTOR BUCKET. Your guided universe is but the illusion of a childish mind, one which is ill-equipped to deal with the laws of physic and the brutal realities of life. First Cause? The universe is one big accident! Have you not read Lucretius? Are you not familiar with the Atomists? Once you have grasped the fundamental building blocks of the cosmos, you will realise that Mind and Spirit are both made of matter. Lucretius proved that whatever is sentient, is composed of atoms that are insentient. Mind is of a very fine texture and composed of exceptionally minute particles. But it is still matter. God is not required. First Cause? First Fool! Alas, you will not be the last. Let us not forget: Uva conspecta livorem ducit ab uva! [One fool makes many].

KREW. Since you do not believe in the First Cause, you have attributed the miracle of Life to an accident. And this is the First Cause of wretchedness; for it reduces Man to a being of no importance in a vast dead mechanism. If Man himself is an accident, he has no significance; so he thinks he can do entirely as he wishes, in a world that is completely indifferent to him. Yet for this cause of this wretchedness, I am willing to offer my remedy of First Cause.

DOCTOR BUCKET. My dear Cyclops, I do not require a remedy. Nature is magic enough for me, without the spurious notion of a First Cause.

KREW. ’Tis not what you require but what science demands. And science demands a First Cause, whether you like it or not. Clearly you have not read my treatise on abiogenesis which is aptly entitled The First Cell – a famed work of teleology, which runs into many thousands of pages…

DOCTOR BUCKET. The first cell indeed. I really cannot listen to this idiot for a moment longer. Why must we suffer more of his preposterous nonsense? Each snowflake that falls from heaven is totally unique. Might I ask who designed them? Why Nature, of course! Yet this Cyclops, with his argument of First Cause, would have us believe that each snowflake is hand-crafted by an invisible sky wizard! I’ve had enough of this Christian charade. I’m going home!

LORD SCALES. Stay seated Doctor Bucket! Let the Cyclops speak. Krew, I cordially entreat you to present your evidence to the court. Otherwise Jacques may suffer the injustice of a wrong verdict. But if you are trying to deceive us, I will totally depose of you from office, and deprive you altogether of your telluric estates. Is that clear?

KREW. Yes my Lord. Doctor Bucket, allow me to present my remedy of the First Cause…

DOCTOR BUCKET. Remedy? You Cyclops, are the first cause of a headache!

Copyright © Nicholas Shea 2007.

Image credit: Bubble Nebula, Hubble telescope, marked as pubic domain in Google search.