Court Transcript

KREW. Demon doctors, theologians, logicians, welcome all. You honour us with your noble presence. Good satyr let me take your cloak. Ouch! In the name of Polyphemus, pray mind your horns – you almost had my eye out! Goblin jury, our humble court is small – please perch in the vault. Gentle gnome, I like your hat: sit with the sprites on the sill. Make haste sweet imps, the portal is closing… Well, is he coming, yes or no? Ah! All rise for the most regal Lord Scales!

LORD SCALES. Let it be known that I come here this night by the divine authority of His Imperial Satanic Majesty. Let it also be known, that I was about to eat supper: roast bishop and broccoli – my favourite. Consequently, I am hungry and bad tempered. You have been warned. Be seated all. Now, pray tell, who convened this court?

KREW. I did my Lord. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Krew, Hellenic diamon, at your service.

LORD SCALES. Behold! A Cyclops! How his mighty race has fallen; his forefathers were giants who dwelt in molten realms. Yet this one stands just five feet tall!

KREW. I may be small but my power is great. I speak all tongues and see all things. I am older than the hills, yet my lustrous eye shines bright. My forefathers dwelt in the fiery halls of Aetna; servants of Vulcan, they forged the thunderbolts of Zeus. But now we dwell in more angelic realms. And what we lost in stature, we gained in sacred knowledge. Like all my kin, I am well versed in the Heavenly secrets.

LORD SCALES. You pompous fool. What case is so urgent as to spoil my supp?

KREW. A man of clay awaits the pyre at dawn. I offered him a virgin but he called for you instead

LORD SCALES. A decision he may live to regret… So, where is this earthly wretch?

KREW. May I present Jacques Vallin –

LORD SCALES. By the horns of Satan! What a ghastly sight! Krew, are you sure that he is human?

KREW. Quite sure, my lord.

LORD SCALES. Even the gargoyles are wincing. Most intriguing… Tell me Krew, how long have you known this Jacques Vallin?

KREW. I have always known him.

LORD SCALES. But when did you appear?

KREW. When he was seven.

LORD SCALES. And what was the point of ingress?

KREW. His umbilicus – from whence I gained access to his liver, lungs and heart. The battle for his wits was won at twelve. I am his mentor, guide and curse; and as his familiar, am witness to his crimes.

LORD SCALES. Very well. Show me the charges Krew.

KREW. They are listed here my lord. ’Tis a long list…

LORD SCALES. Indeed. A very long list – and most original. Pass it to my lawyers. Goblin jury, will you cease that infernal chatter! We are wasting precious time: the verdict must be had before cockcrow. Scribe, prepare to write. Is council ready? Then let us begin, for the hour is late and the cockerel is dreaming of sunrise…

Copyright © Nicholas Shea 1997